My List of Resolved Issues

Here is a still partial list of all the issues I resolved doing this work. It shows you the wide spectrum of issues that can be targeted . . .

 Below is how I used to be for the most part of my life. . .

Practical Life Paralysis

  • GUESTS:  I would freak out about inviting guests for dinner, would think about it for days in advance, choose a menu and change it 50 times.  I was VERY worried that all they would do or thinking they actually did think bad thoughts about me, what a bad cook I am, and what a stupid person I am etc . . . while at my house or after leaving.
  • PHONE CALLS:  I was very worried about making or receiving phone calls, particularly when it entailed asking for something or being asked to do something. I couldn’t ask for anything, and I couldn’t answer a simple “no” to anyone, without having to give a million reasons why. And when I was done with my phone call, my husband would get upset with me for not being able to say a “clear and strong” no.
  • TOOLS/THINGS BREAKING: I hated ALL tools and was incapable of using them. Also I was incapable of fixing anything broken and would simply freak out when a breakage happened. I also was terrified to ask any man for any help, or even to call a repair-man.
  • CAR: My biggest fear was to break down on the road. The mere thought of having to deal with what to do, who to call, talking with a mechanic was frightening in itself. I was absolutely certain that ANY mechanic would be horrible with me, take advantage of me and that I would not see it or would not be able to defend myself. This was a weird fear because I had never had bad experiences like this in this life.
  • MAKING a HOME: I was incapable of making a house look nice or of decorating. I hated the fact that all women I knew seemed to intuitively know how to do it, and was wondering what was wrong with me. I was also very disorderly and lacked all organization skills and didn’t even know how to properly clean or put a house in order.
  • BEAUTY: No sense of harmony/beauty in any aspect of life, my clothing or our home. Yet, I could buy nice clothes for my children!
  • SELF-RELIANCE:  Terrified and paralyzed to rent my own place, look for a place, sign papers, be responsible.  Same thing for buying a car.
  • ORGANIZATION: I would put things off, was scattered.
  • TECHNOLOGY:  I freaked out and was totally non-functioning when needing to learn something new on a computer.
  • DECISIONS: ANY practical decision was a nightmare to make, whether to choose a pumpkin in a store or to do or not do anything. I watched other people to try and figure out what I ‘should do’. I was amazed that everyone seemed to know where to go, what to do at any moment. I never knew if I should stay at the beach longer or go home or whatever, I did not know what to base any decision on. What I “wanted” to do did not exist because I had no idea what I wanted except that I wanted to feel well, but having to make any decision brought me into fear. I was always searching for a clue of what I was supposed to do next.  The only thing that existed was what I was supposed to be doing, so I would rack my brain trying to figure out what this was, and be stuck in an agonizing space. It was horrible.
  • DRESS:  I never knew how to dress myself, what looked good on me, and HATED to go shopping, choose clothes etc. .
  • DRIVING: I would freak out driving through an unknown big city,  was scared of making mistakes, not finding my way around, having drivers angry with me etc
  • NEW PLACE: Was worried about getting lost, had no sense of orientation.
  • TRANSPORTATION:  I was frightened about trying new means of transportation. I took a taxi alone for the first time at age 55! Having to tell a taxi-driver (mostly men) where to take ME, and trust that he would actually take me where I wanted was impossible for all those years.
  • LEISURE: There were many things in nature that I wanted to do, like kayaking or whatever. But I was totally freaked out at figuring the various aspects of doing this, finding/deciding on a kayak to rent, to borrow or to buy, planning the outing, actually doing it, I was paralyzed.
  • TRAVELING: I was terrified of traveling alone, but was fine traveling with someone because I could follow in their footsteps.
  • FEARS:  I had fear in all aspects and areas of my life, also:
    • Was terribly scared of ANY and all the things I didn’t know anything about
    • Was insecure or scared about doing things on my own, therefore avoiding much
    • Was feeling that I could not trust myself

NOW, I’m no longer like the above:

  • My daughter and her friends call me “Mc Gyver” because they can count on me to fix broken stuff in their apartment. I also completely overhauled a sailboat under a friend’s direction.
  • Shopping is not something that interests me much but I enjoy every now and then looking at what stores invent and I have no difficulty having a very simple but decent wardrobe, exactly to my taste and my values. People who have known me for a long time are often impressed to see me well-dressed because they thought I would always look like a bum! But I also have no need to be well-dressed all the time.
  •  I had no difficulty driving a moving truck through Paris, though I stayed very aware and attentive.
  • Now, not only do I kayak on my own, and have bought 2, but I take people on such outings. I also took a trip to Africa all by myself AND it wasn’t an average type of trip: I actually started a micro-credit program all on my own. This was a really huge accomplishment for me: I planned, I made decisions, I led people, I spoke up. . .

Money

  • SPENDING MONEY: I used to agonize over spending ANY money, especially for me, even very small amounts of $1. Big sums would totally freak me out and put my stomach in knots, even if it was for something necessary like a car repair. I also did not consider myself deserving of anything, so I could not spend money for myself and would often buy whatever was cheapest for me (but not for my kids) or just wear the same old clothes forever.
  •  MAKING MONEY: This one was one of my biggest terrors. I was certain I could never make my own money, certain I was incapable of taking care of my material needs.
  • AGAINST MONEY: From my childhood, I somehow learned that money would made people unhappy, so I was always ‘against’ having money.
  • HATED SHOPPING: It didn’t matter what I had to shop for, even groceries was a problem.
  • BUYING PRESENTS: My dreaded nightmare at holiday and birthday time. I didn’t know what to buy, agonized over the decision to make, changed my mind over and over, ideas of what to give were blocked, worried about wasting money on a bad present, terrified to disappoint people.
  • RICH PEOPLE: Felt very uncomfortable with and even hated rich people, would be gripped with fear going into a wealthy home and talking to wealthy people, while I had WAY less problems/fears talking with people living on the street

NOW, money is not an issue anymore: I can have or make lots or little, spend a little or a lot, even lose some, I’m fine. I am just as comfortable choosing and buying a present as I am comfortable choosing to NOT buy one. I also finally feel as comfortable with rich people as I do with poor people.

Men

  • USELESS MEN: Though I had several men who loved me, I had a very dysfunctional relationship with the idea of men. This is how I used to be:
  • Was dependent on having a relationship: I always made sure I had a man in my life or a relationship, because I knew I could not deal with practical aspects of life: I never was w/o a relationship between the age of 16 and 50!
  • Was feeling or thinking that I could not survive without a man’s protection
  • Was feeling unsafe without a man’s love, attention or presence
  • Was certain that I would not cope with or survive life on my own or without a man, was tied to, dependent or reliant on men for every aspect of life/my well-being
  • Was thinking that to be supported by, attached or affiliated to a man was my rightful place, that only in service to or next to a man did I have a meaningful life
  • Felt forced to listen to a man for any reason at all
  • Was incapable of contradicting or questioning or arguing against what any man would say or tell me
  • Was sure that there would be dire consequences if I acted in any way at all against any man or what any man had told me or what any man advised me
  • Was convinced that what men said, explained or advised  was always correct and should always be acted upon,  was always thinking that men’s opinion was more trustworthy than mine
  • Was feeling inferior to all men- all men were better than me at everything
  • Always trusted what men said regardless of what their actions showed and  never questioned whether they knew what they were talking about (took me years to realize they often don’t!)
  • Was feeling powerless and incapable in the world of men (mechanical, electronic or finances)
  • Was always fearful when in the presence of or dealing with men
  • Was automatically feeling that I had done something wrong, would be criticized or told off when relating myself to a man that I was relying on (and I often was!), was holding myself small, “like a mouse”
  • ATTRACTION/ABUSE: Attracted to myself VERY useless men who did (or I was terrified that they would) take advantage of, manipulated me, ripped me off or abuse me OR men who were slobs, bums, uninteresting, not my type at all. I could not push away those men, they kept insisting
  • SAY NO/CONFLICT:  Was not able to stand up for myself, say no, confront, conflict with any man, even a partner, or plain protect myself
  • ASKING for ADVICE: could not make a practical decision without asking a man for his advice, needing to listen to or take notice of a man for advice and help, incapable of doing things in my life without the help or confirmation of a man
  • OLYMPIC DOORMAT: Was submissive, docile,
  • Always aiming to please, sacrificing my own needs or desires
  • Would let men be verbally abusive toward me, or disrespectful or sexually suggestive toward me w/o being able to tell them to stop
  • Was not responding or fighting back when abused, was thinking that being accepting  was a sign of being spiritual/unconditionally loving, or that if I answered with love, they would become loving too
  • MASTERS: Was over-awed by powerful men or men I perceived as masters,  was ready to follow them with my eyes closed

All the above is no longer an issue. I have a great partner in my life, but we are as independent from each other as we can be intimate. I can hold my own with any man who comes my way.

People- Social/Groups

How I used to be: For my entire life up until I was several years into WSW (except a very short bout of co-leading a rebel group at age 12) I had no experience at all of being in a group (I considered that 3 people made a group). I basically had made sure I was NEVER in a group because my issues were so severe:

  • Could never have a regular job, too asocial and anti-social, could not deal with people
  • Was utterly frightened and hateful of any and all groups, even from the outside
  • Would do everything I could to refuse invitations, hated and avoided being in ANY social setting, private or in a bar, was incapable of starting a conversation with anyone I did not know
  • Was absolutely disgusted with even looking at/seeing big groups of people, particularly in nature. I felt the forest or the beach was ‘mine’ and all people should stay away from it and leave me alone
  • Could not sit alone in a cafe, was afraid people would look at me or judge me negatively, felt instant bad vibes, and was terrified of being accosted by men
  • For a while ‘wore’ a very clever “naked cloak” (took me a while to become conscious of it): I was very open about my “flaws”and would tell everyone that I had no secrets about any of me, but this way of being, though true to me,  also acted as a cloak -like a  fake naked suit on top of my being- which allowed me to hid some issues which I REALLY didn’t want anyone to know about: Those were issues that other people revealed to me as having. I REALLY did not want to look at those issues, and I argued for quite a while that I “was fine the way I was” and “wanted to stay alone”!
  • Was constantly judging people, finding something “wrong” with them, looking for whatever made me feel I was better than them
  • Was very shy, retreated into myself, was afraid to connect with anyone.
  • Was feeling like I didn’t fit in “normal” society, I felt too different
  • Could not engage with others,  was often frozen and completely locked inside myself
  • Was in competition with others, wanting to be better, wanting to be ahead of everyone
  • Was jealous of people’s position or success or of their ‘specialness’
  • Was always staying an outsider, not mixing with others,  was terrified of being ‘normal’ or like everyone else, wanted to be very different, to stand out on my own
  • Was desperate to get attention from others, would do unusual or crazy things in order to be noticed or admired by ‘average’ people
  • Wanted to feel safe when with another,  always trying to create a special intimate relationship in order to be safe
  • Was desperate for attention/being liked, trying to corner people
  • Was draining people, was too intense, they got easily worn out when they were around me
  • Was talking way too much about myself/my story, compelled to explain my journey
  • Was not listening to others, always focused on my inner perceptions
  • Pushed my ideas onto others, wanted to convince others that I was right
  • Was always justifying myself in great detail
  • Was afraid/sure people thought of me as ridiculous or stupid
  • Was scared of asking strangers for directions or anything else

NOW, I am fine on my own or being around people. I can also join a group when needed, and enjoy it, though it is often not my choice.

Law/Authorities

  • LAWYERS: Terrified of contacting a lawyer did everything I could to avoid doing itWas looked down upon by them, ill at ease, afraid of being taken advantage of. Saw them as people I needed to defend myself from rather than people who would defend me
  • POLICE: My heart would pound when I saw a police car on the road, I was always sure they’d be stopping me/I had done something wrong. I also did not see them as people who could help me.

NOW, these people are not an issue anymore. I view them as no different from other people.

Mind

  • THOUGHTS versus EMOTIONS: I could not think properly, rationally or logically or in any sense of order. I was completely ruled by my emotions, these were my only source of information.
  • Could not have a debate about my ideas or beliefs with someone, I would blank out, I had no arguments.
  • Had lots of creative ideas but could not start on them or accomplish anything, I was just spinning my wheels
  • Was easily obsessive, running scenarios in my mind, having conversations in my head
  • Sometimes my mind felt like it was going crazy, running ideas or analyzing in endless circles

NOW, I am much better at using either my mind or my emotions, or both, to analyze a situation.

Myself-Spirituality/beliefs/weird stuff/self-exploration

  • Felt bad about myself, felt like there was “nothing valuable’ about myself. And when someone loving pointed out what I was good at, I would always answer “but this doesn’t count”.
  • Was lost in my feelings, always aware of /checking my feelings or inner state
  • Was moved to tears too easily, drugged on my own emotions
  • Was addicted to ‘extraordinary happenings’, waiting them all the time
  • Was unable to feel or express anger, hate, frustration
  • Was overly positive, not knowing/seeing what my issues were
  • Way too loving
  • Yawning, eyes blinking, terrible focus  during self-exploration
  • Had totally false notions about spirituality
  • Was manically mystical, easily going into bliss states
  • Would alternate from being hyper and frenetic to being shut-down and desperate that ‘nothing  was happening’
  • Was not knowing/seeing what my issues were
  • Had extreme enthusiasm over little things (particularly nature things) , which made me feel more spiritual, more connected
  • Was spoon-fed lots of positive dreams AND their perfectly-fitting interpretations
  • Could not plan for the future
  • Was chewing my lips
  • Was incapable of being interested in others or what was going on in the world,  was stuck within myself
  • Was compelled about telling others about  “my healing journey”, always talking about myself
  • Was terribly scared of  ANY and all the things I didn’t know anything about

NOW, I have an understanding of others/the world that’s constantly increasing and is better than most people around me. I get told this all the time, though this understanding is far from being enough  for my taste. All other issues above are gone.

Relationships – Sexuality

  • Was dependent on having a relationship, needing a man’s presence to protect me/take care of me/ decide on everything for me
  • Had to force myself for 2 years to get used to a boy’s touch at age 16.
  • Was abused by a Buddhist monk at age 25.
  • Was overly invested in my love relationship, eaten up by it, thinking about/reviewing it all the time at the expense of anything else
  • Disliked physical sex, only wanted love-making.
  • Was not taking an active or equal role in a sexual relationship
  • Would go into bliss/not breathing during orgasm.
  • Hated oral sex.
  • Had sudden urges to masturbate, getting turned-on  for no reason without any “stimulation”
  • Could not stand my partner to occasionally look at porn
  • CONFLICTS: Had huge conflicts with my partner about our very opposing ideas
  • FAMILY: My children walked all over me

NOW, I have the best relationship I’ve ever had, the best sex too. My partner and I still hold to our very differing ideas but we can discuss them without being triggered and we learn lots from each other. My relationship with my children is great, they trust and respect me.

Issues I would still like to resolve

  • Losing my hair, some small aches and pains, nail fungus
  • poor close-up eyesight
  • Map reading and finding my way around, sense of direction, not good enough yet, though much better
  • When typing, not a good sense of details, making lots of little mistakes, letter swapping, no consistent lay-out
  • Feeling my mind still doesn’t function at maximum capacity, not understanding enough
  • MD abilities, still nothing.